MANUAL/EXORCISM/MANUAL
MANUAL/EXORCISM/MANUAL
for your home or workplace Internet.
If you want to have Wi-Fi,
you will need to buy a router
and perform an exorcism as well.
In order to fully understand
the goals of an exorcism,
it becomes crucial that one understand actual procedure.
1
Make sure that your body will work with your Internet subscription.
While rare, some bodies encounter issues
when paired with a specific Internet company (e.g., Comcast). (30)
Double-check your body's compatibility
with your current Internet subscription before buying (if possible).
The body is said to be noncontractual (possibly bootlegged or stolen) if it:
· Fled at the sign of the cross, holy water, the name of Jesus, etc.
· Excited the body to pride, vainglory, despair, etc.
· Approached mildly, but afterward left behind grief, desolation, disturbance of soul and
clouds of the mind
· Refused to discuss the possession with a technician.
(1:10)
If you find that your body won't work with your current subscription,
try to exchange the body for a different one
that will work,
or switch your Internet subscription.
2
Find your room's cable output.
The cable output resembles a metal cylinder
with a small hole in the middle
and screw threads all around the sides.
Alternately, find a hole that is wet
and slobber into it a little.
Rituals of exorcism vary from laying-on of hands
by a clairvoyant exorcist,
taking the entity into his or her own body
and then expelling it,
to the formal procedure outlined in this manual.
In some cases, there will already be a cable connected to the cable outlet.
3
Decide on a place to mount the body.
The body should be relatively high up (e.g., on top of a bookshelf),
(2m)
and will need to be close enough to the output
that you can connect it without stretching or bending the cable,
or exhausting the body’s elasticity.
If the exorcist can determine
that the body is truly possessed,
the next step is to conduct the exorcism.
It is imperative that the exorcist determine
how the spirit entered into the afflicted's body.
There are two ways in which a body can be possessed:
- the permission of God for the demon to enter,
- or a witch's incantations inducing the demons to take possession.
You'll also need to have a power outlet nearby.
4
Make sure that you have all of the required cables.
A body generally requires a coaxial cable
to connect to the cable output,
as well as a power cable
to connect to an electrical outlet.
Both of these cables should come with your body,
but if you bought it used,
(3m)
you may need to find replacement cables.
In rare cases, new orifices develop,
which should also be filled.
You may need to ask friends for help.
If the exorcist is convinced of a possession,
he will ask the demon a series of questions.
The most important task is to discover the name of the demon(s)
torturing the body, which will allow the exorcist
to have control over the body and demon.
If you plan on attaching the body to a router,
you will also need an Ethernet cable,
according to ancient animistic traditions.
If the cable you have is too short to allow you
to properly mount your body, pray on your knees.
Questions and attempts to learn the demons’ name(s) are interspersed with prayer.
5
Read your body's instructions.
Each body is unique, and yours may require additional setup
outside of this article's capacity.
Reading your body's manual
will help make you aware
(4m)
of any additional steps
that you have to take to install the body.
If the body appears to be responding,
you can move on to the second procedure:
1
While no two exorcisms are exactly alike,
they tend to unfold in similar stages.
One end of the coaxial cable attaches
to the cable output.
This is the type of connection
that has a needle on each end.
Make sure that you screw the coaxial cable
onto the cable outlet, deeply.
This initiates phase one, The Presence.
The exorcist and his assistants
become aware of an alien feeling or entity.
2
Attach the other end of the cable
to the input on your body.
On the back of the body, you should see an input
that resembles the cable output cylinder.
Attach the free end of the coaxial cable
to this input,
making sure to tighten as needed.
(5m)
You can use saliva or silicone lubricant.
At this point, you enter the second stage,
Pretense; Attempts by the evil spirit to appear and act as the body,
claiming to be one and the same person
as the possessed.
The exorcist's job is to break this Pretense,
crucially learning the demon’s proper name.
3
Plug your body's power cable
into an electrical outlet.
A wall socket or a surge protector will do.
This should initiate phase 3, Breakpoint,
the moment where the demon's Pretense
finally collapses,
normally a scene of extreme panic and confusion
accompanied by a crescendo of abuse,
horrible sights, noises and smells.
It's important to plug the cable into
the power outlet
before connecting it to the body,
since connecting the power cable to the body first
can cause damage.
(6m)
The demon begins to speak of the possessed body
in the third person instead of as itself.
4
Insert the power cable's free end into the body.
If it has not already started, this will initiate stage 4
(or perhaps 3.5 is a better description,) The Voice.
Also a sign of the Breakpoint, the Voice
is inordinately disturbing and humanly distressing.
You can attempt to assuage the Voice
by blocking the cable input port usually found
at the bottom of the back of the body.
If you cannot find the port,
check your body’s documentation and schematics.
The demon's voices must be silenced
for the exorcism to proceed.
Although the Voice can exhaust itself,
it is important to note that at this point,
the body’s limitations are of no consequence.
The demon is capable of destroying
(7m)
its host body in the course of the Breakpoint.
5
The next phase, assuming the survival of the body,
is The Clash. As the Voice dies out,
there is a tremendous pressure,
both spiritual and physical.
The demon has collided with the "will of the Kingdom".
The exorcist, locked in battle with the demon,
urges the entity to reveal
more information about itself,
as the exorcist's holy will begins to dominate.
As mentioned above, there is a direct link
between the entity and place,
as each spirit wants a place to be.
Place your body in its spot.
With the cables attached, gently move your body
into its designated position.
You shouldn't feel any resistance from the cables.
For such spirits, habitation of a living body
is preferable to Hell.
6
Attach the body to a router.
(8m)
Hopefully, this induces phase 6, Expulsion.
In a supreme triumph of the internet,
the spirit leaves, and the victim is reclaimed.
All present feel the Presence dissipating,
sometimes with receding noises or voices.
The body may remember the ordeal
or may have no idea what has happened.
If you have a Wi-Fi router that you want to use
in conjunction with your body,
plug one end of an Ethernet cable
into the square port on the back of the body,
then plug the other end into the "INTERNET"
(or similarly labeled) square port
on the back of the router.
As long as it is plugged into a power source,
the body should immediately light up.
Published in Bloodletter Magazine, 2023